i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
