A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
