I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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