I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
