Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
