you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The Olympian is in my bed
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