i was born a porn star she said
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
