i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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