So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
