you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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