I'm laying in your front yard are you home
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
