Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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