You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
