is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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