Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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