when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
