That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
