go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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