my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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