Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
