You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
