You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
