either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
