I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
