I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
