I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
