Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
