pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
