Already got asked if we're dating
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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