I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
