I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hope mine doesn't look like that
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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