my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
