Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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