yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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