I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
