I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Randomize
