BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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