he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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