i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
