I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
