When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i out mim tonsoeep
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
