my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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