i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
