you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
