True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
