at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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