I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
