This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
