So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
