if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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