I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
