Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
