Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
