rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
