You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
