I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
