i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
