I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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