This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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